How to get through a Divorce like a PRO!

Let’s admit it, no one prepares us for getting divorced. Relationships are the hardest when something that bonds two people and in some cases families can be finished easily. Often, these bonds took years to construct

View from barracks in a fort, Malta. The two colours of the water and the separation represents my theme

and get broken within months or even weeks. Whether we reach the marriage route by meeting someone organically or through an ‘arranged marriage’ setting, getting separated and divorced continues to be difficult especially when there is a child or some children involved. Overcoming the interim duration from when the decision to end the marriage was made and the moment when the divorce is actually granted can be a real test.Here are some suggestions that may help:

Focus on yourself

·         Now is the moment for you to really center yourself and make yourself the priority. In many cases, relationships can sidetrack the development of the individual because more focus is given to the partnership and the family. Maybe start the day by exercising or going out for a walk. Meditate, listen to affirmations, journal or read.

·         Do something you always loved to, but never had the time to do. Yes, you think it’s impossible to take time to learn something while all this is happening. Perhaps it’s too difficult to invest in a hobby that was cast aside years ago. But, at least make a note of what interests you and spend some time a day, even few minutes either doing it or imagining yourself doing it in the future. Zumba or salsa dancing, anyone?

·         Reach out to people who make you feel good. You don’t have to share anything with them yet, just because you have news. Being in the company of people who enhance your mood or who make you laugh is one of the best ways to sooth your soul during these hard times.

·         Make a list of your short-term and long-term goals concerning this divorce with regards to yourself, your children and your soon to be ex. Yes, whether you like it or not, when you share children with someone, you do have a relationship with them even after divorce. This could go on till your kids are adults and then some. Your short-term goals may involve how to settle the financial aspects of the  separation, how to navigate your children’s questions, how to adapt to sharing the  children’s custody with your ex. Long- term goals may be where do you see yourself financially in ten years, where would you retire, how do you see yourself living life in your later years etc.

 

Choose your battles carefully

·         Yes, it can be tempting to lash out at your ex at every possible occasion, it may even feel good while you’re at it, but, this behavior is soon going to keep you stuck in an unhealthy loop with your thoughts and actions. You will keep sidetracking your actual physical life (rational and pragmatic head focused solutions) , while turning on the lights towards the emotions and heart related aspects. Sure, if you need to question your ex about his or her intentions or reasons, this should always be evoked in a decent manner. Let’s remember that the fact that the divorce is even evoked is because there is a disconnect between you and the other person. Discussions may help but are hardly going to satisfy both individuals.

·         Try to reign in those emotions and stay at least neutral when it comes to dealings with your ex.

·         Your divorce doesn’t have to be what the world thinks about divorce. You don’t have to tear each other down. We only have a limited amount of time on earth and this individual chose to spend time with you, maybe have a child or children with you. Try and respect this choice that each of you made for your lives until now.

·         Remember that money is important to lead a comfortable life, but no amount of money guarantees happiness and peace. So, even if your ego doesn’t agree easily, let go to some extent and move forward. If need be, involve one mediator or friend who can help give you some perspective in the situation.

 

Stop playing the victim card/ blame game

 

·         You will meet many people in the initial days after you start telling people about the imminent divorce who will love to ask questions, bring down your ex and agree with everything you tell them or accuse your ex of. Remember, these people have their own lives and a few minutes of discussion will never give them the right perspective or the same view that you have in your relationship. Using the victim card will soon get old and all you will get by using it long term is to continue to stay in the ‘current emotional’ state. Whether that be anger, hatred , sadness or a mix of them all.

·         This situation, even though it’s a hard pill to accept right now is a consequence of either circumstances outside of your control or choices made by you. You may need to take accountability about where you stand. Even if it’s a situation out of your control, remove the Blame cape or the ‘why me?’ and start by taking a deep breath, saying, ‘yes, this is happening to me and it sure doesn’t feel good right now, but, I’m going to be fine. I have all that it takes to go through these moments.

·         Each time you get tempted to blame your ex, try to look at the long-term goal of where you see yourself in the future in relation to him or her. Setting the tone with that of anger will create a future of probable discord.

 

Try to change your daily habits to benefit you

·         Break down each day into segments or fractions of hours if it’s really difficult to be able to sanely get through each of them. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.For example, ‘I feel miserable each morning from not having slept the night before. But, I can focus on making myself that lovely tea that I bought yesterday. I can then take a shower and get the breakfast that my children love’.

·         Try not to involve too many people in the process. More the people involved, more that chances of having your energy drained.

·         Opinions are to be listened to, but  remember you know what is best for yourself.

·         Enjoy the newness of the life you are living or going to live. ‘Enjoy’ may seem like an extreme word in the situation but if you look at life from a distance, all things that were new, exciting or painful stand out in the grand scheme of things. These are what we remember as milestones or turning points in life. Yes, again, it’s maybe not what we wanted but here we are. We may as well notice that yes, we are changing, our life is changing and the path ahead is now completely unknown and new. That unknown life was exciting when we were 18, so it can be just as exciting now.

·          Celebrate every AHA moment on the route. If you thought you would never make it through one night without crying and you wake up on a dry pillow, savor the moment. Maybe journal or call your one trusted friend to share the feeling, pamper yourself with your favorite chocolate that day, get up and dance on the spot, anything!

·         Celebrate the small wins without bitterness. If during a negotiation, you managed to get what you want without a fuss, congratulate yourself , pat yourself on the back or smile in your mind’s eye. Savor everything you can.

 

Children and how to handle them

·         Remember that your children are their own little people. Try feeding something that a baby doesn’t want to eat and you will see that individual who is in that small and fragile body is already formed. Please always try and remember that your role is to help your child develop to their highest potential. It’s to help them get onto the tracks towards their future, where they will travel on their own trains and go ahead to see their own sights and reach their own destinations. In most cases, where parents stay together, it’s just that both parents can witness most of this journey together. They can marvel at their creation together. They can encourage their children together. A divorce need not do anything other than separate the initial track into two. This gives your children more opportunities and more experiences and you less control. It’s hard to let go of the need to control, but come back to the long-term goals that you created and focus on those when this happens.

·         Realize that even if you were still together, you may not be allowed to see the sights and the destinations if the individual who resides inside the body of your child doesn’t want you to come along for the ride. And at some point, nature’s path will throw you off the train slowly but surely. Sometimes peacefully and sometimes with violence.

·         Children have their own stories about their lives. Look around you and you may be surprised to see how children who came from a family where both parents still love and live together may  have negative stories about their upbringing. Accept that your children have their own stories to share, however well you think you participated and gave of yourself. Divorce or not.

·         Your issues, your anger and your sentiments towards your ex are your personal baggage. Don’t use your children to carry this baggage back and forth. Our minds may want us to stay connected with the ex, albeit in a twisted way. Using your children to do this is not the answer. As a parent, you surely wish that your children are complete and thriving adults living their best lives. Resist these short-term satisfactions for your ego and always look at time as a large entity.

·         If you find it possible, tell your children when you are separating that the anger you have for your ex is your own and they are free to love the other parent completely. You are basically giving your child a free pass to open his or her wings and fly calmly into the future.

·         Always try and show respect for your ex, at least in front of your children. This goes for even while the ex is absent. You’re your children’s biggest mirror and teacher when they’re young. They know when disrespect is present between two individuals. Since they will be your link to your ex for a long time to come, keep focused on the future.

 

Disclaimer: The above list is not exhaustive. All thoughts expressed here come from my own lessons learnt during the eight months of my divorce, a decade ago. My children are now adults and capable and happy young women.  I’m grateful to my ex-husband for his support even during those difficult times. He and I both shared the dream of getting through the divorce with our girls as our main priority. Today, we still communicate and help each other and stand together as a family for our girls. This was possible only because our long-term goals aligned.

This may not be your case. So, while you read this article please remember your journey is unique and your situation may seem very difficult and different. Please feel free to only use what can benefit you from my article and ignore the rest. We all learn different lessons during our divorces and my tips are just pointers. May you find strength in my words. All the Best!